SOS GOD.... SOS...

I cried internally when I watched my friend go through early pregnancy because of premarital sex. Protection that was not used during the last intercourse and strike. Some may think I am still living in some olden days era where I am anti- premarital sex but then again, God called me to be set apart. The point when she thought 'I think I'm pregnant' all the way to 'okay it is 6 weeks old' and to the decision to abort got my heart to sink deeper and deeper. She was not called to be on this earth to go through this pain although this route is well deserved. I am not saying I am mocking her for the result but I just feel pain...very pain. The foetus did nothing and it is gone just like that. Some mothers want their own child so badly that they try different methods just to get one and may still fail. Yet this blessing was in her womb but it was considered a cursed thing and abortion was the only way out. Questions like 'How am I going to school?? How to get money to raise the kid??' It's life questions that are asked out of fear and practicality. 

I cried internally because I know the fear and pain and my heart was of stone and I could not bring any tears to my eyes. And its not that I have gone through it but my aunt has gone through and she told me that guilt and that fear. I know how much her daughter will treasure that younger sibling of hers if it was kept. What is God saying to a sinful world like this?? How does God really feel about this?? What does God want me to do?? What can I do about this?? I DO NOT KNOW. It's really 'what can I say, what can I do but offer this life to You' I only know I can feel the pain and I am taking care of her as much as I can. My lecturer randomly asked me what if I'm in her shoes??(that is if I'm a girl). I asked my parents and I was very very surprised at their support and answer. For once I felt loved by my parents and that they are willing to take care of me all the way(again, IF I'M A GIRL). But what about the shame and guilt that circulates the entire inner being?? That's why we have Jesus?? And then what about those who refuse to believe in God?? How to reach out to them?? I know such burdens are not for me to bear, it's more of the burden to pray. Pray for this broken world, pray for the hurt, the lost and the weak. As Christians we are free and that does not mean we can be proud of that and just walk away and leave the world like it is after knowing what love and grace is. WHAT ABOUT THE LOST ONES OUT THERE?? Living in your own bubble and thinking that your own problem is like huge' to you, struggling with the universities to go to or like the material things. What about those out there who are not able to even finance themselves even for a week?? Or those who are not able to last a day without any of those jabs?? Even those who were abandoned and want to find their own parents. God, why are there such pain on this earth?? 

Then as I was battling with all these, I received news that my dad has kidney stone . Seriously, 2013 is a year that started off badly for me. I even lost someone I liked hanging out with last month. Well, I wanted to tell her the truth that I couldn't hang out with her anymore because I need to focus on this problem but instead, it happened the other way. I got my wish but it didn't happen like it should. If only I wasn't so stupid that day, I could have just told her everything when she asked me "what was it??" and "when are you gonna tell me??". Instead, I cover-lined it. Looking and thinking of all of these happening to me, I didn't know what to do or what else but to pray. I cried, I finally broke down. Why is it God that whenever I help someone out, I still lose something/someone close to me??

God I'm going to turn 22 in a few more months as well as I'm graduating this year. While others lead such good lives, perfect happy Christian families, good grades, talents and are well loved, there are also others who have insecurities, different forms of pains and even a broken family. While other's biggest struggle in life is like choosing the path to go to, others are struggling to praise God even in difficult circumstances. I am always the latter and who am I to judge the circumstances when it's not me who will decide on the blessings given?? It's not that I am upset that I have gone through all that but I thank You for using those to mould me into who I am today. But why repeatedly, just when I thought I was done crying, just when I thought it will be a good break for my soul, just when I thought I need to be emotionless to focus on my studies, to be emotionless to the things around me.... BAM!*

Jen, if you're reading this, I know that you're happy with the way everything is going on for you now. It's okay if you don't want to forgive me, but I just want to let you know that I'm truly sorry for not being completely honest to you. I really should have told you everything on this before Les Miserables instead I stoned there being a jerk, making things awkward. You are a really a sweet person and a wonderful sister I wish I had biologically.

Sabrina, Jean, Esther, Faith, Joycie, Andrea, Leeng, Becky, Jarren, Phoebe, Julie, Carol, Jascinta, Hazel and Betsy (and some others that I may have left out). I owe you all an apology as well for not telling you. I guess you all now know why I want to meet or talk to you personally so often. It's just that I didn't have that strength in me that time. I just couldn't. I hope you understand. However, I'm really really forever thankful for your prayers and support as well as encouragement to lift me up whenever I'm down ever since last year.

Thought of suiciding(too much to handle and suffer). But then, I always think that I have a God, the Almighty one. This sovereign king, this comforter, this sweet joy and perfect peace. My soul is starting to be calm to know He is with me. I have been sitting here for 2 hours plus this late, writing this post as well as preparing for my interview/presentation. But I cannot stop crying. Raghhhhh... I cannot wait for the day where every heart is just fully given to God. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is the true One. This is not my Home. Lord, teach me to do what You want me to and thank You for affirming me once again the reason why I am in such a position. Thank You for breaking my heart for what breaks Yours. I know You are guiding me and walking me through this as I walk with my brothers and sisters in christ. Thank You Father thank You. This life, this heart, is not mine but Yours.

                                                            

3.30am.

Interview/presentation is one week away

*back to studying now like a mad person while I put this behind me*